It's a New Year

It's New Years Eve. Closing the door on a pretty hard year, and hopefully opening up something great in 2019. Looking back I can see all the great things that have happened to me. All the ways I have been blessed. Things I've learned about myself and things I know I want to change about myself as well. How I want to be a better and more authentic version or myself. How I want to see the good and beauty in myself. How I want to FEEL like I am a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and human being.

Depression and Anxiety affect around 18% of the population. And yet so few seek treatment. I am one of those few. I figured I could make it work on my own. I was strong enough and positive enough and I was going to battle it out on my own terms. And I will say, from December 2017- now, I am better at coping in many ways. But I am far from better. I am finally realizing that I can't do it on my own.

I tried some online therapy. It helped but was only temporary. It did help me learn how to 'Step Outside' of myself and see the situation for what it was, NOT how it was affecting my emotions. That was good. Most times I can talk myself through something hard, or through something that is bothering me, and I can figure out WHY it is bothering me, instead of just reacting. So it did help, but it definitely wasn't long enough. Or at least not long enough without anything else.

I also tried Podcasts and Inspirational reading. These helped a lot. I found a lot of podcasts on loving yourself and being yourself. I read books like "The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*$#" by Sarah Knight, and "You are a Bad A$$" by Jen Sincero and my favourite, "Girl, Wash your Face" by Rachel Hollis. These books really spoke to me in so many ways. I learned things like how I am important in MY OWN LIFE. How I am in control of MY OWN LIFE. And how only I could change things. They reminded me that I was strong and beautiful, when I am being myself. And they reminded me that the world needed ME AS MYSELF.

Now, do I remember that? Not great, or I would probably be in a better place right now. But they helped. And even when I am in the Dark Place of my mind, and my thoughts are confused and racing, some of those things come to me and help pull me out. I find that THAT is the hardest part of Depression and Anxiety. Something happens that bothers you and you find yourself falling and you can't stop. You start to over analyze every little thing that was said, or maybe you should have said. You start to worry that you have offended that person or you are hurt because they offended you. Your mind plays the situation over and over and you wonder if you reacted the right way. And you keep thinking about it, and you are stressing over it, and then something else happens and it piles on top. Or opens a new tab in your brain. And pretty soon you have 12 tabs open, and all of them seem important. And your brain can't quite focus on which one to start with or think about or fix. And you start to feel small and inadequate and that you will never be good enough to do any of it. And usually about this time, I snap. I cry and rage over something trivial, like how my kids didn't finish their chores. Or that my husband didn't all and tell me about a shift he picked up. Or plans fall through with friends. Or the stress of getting ready for something like Christmas.

My problem is that I am really good at faking it. I am really good at acting the part. I am good in social situations, laughing and talking with friends and family because I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to burden anyone with the fact that it took me an extra 2 hours to get ready that day because it was just too much to get out of bed that morning. Or let anyone know that I was so worried about a conversation that I had with an acquaintance that I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. I don't want to let people know that I feel weak and helpless most of the time. That my smile is painted on and trying to cover the fact that I am hurting inside.

But I am realizing that I can't do this alone anymore. There are a select few in my circle that I have talked about these things with. Very few, because its hard to trust when you are always worried about things and what people think of you. You tend to assume the worst. But I am trying to let my walls down. I am trying to accept the fact that most people are good. And that most people are so consumed with their own lives that they are hardly giving me any second thought. I need to remember that the only opinion that really matters is my own. I have to live with my decisions, no one else does, and they probably could care less. Why? Because they are too busy with their own circus, and their own monkeys.

I need to get a grip on this because I need to be better for my husband and my kids. My kids have seen me cry and rage and even tell them that I just can't go to that event or whatever because I just can't deal with being around people at that time. I have hid in my room all night, because I just CAN'T. I have snuck out of my bed at night and cried in the living room by myself so I don't wake my husband up. And sometimes I cry and rage in from of him about things that he said and I took the wrong way and I'm probably at a 12 tab moment and that one thing has made me snap. And he holds me and lets me cry and yell, and tells me that he still loves me. Even when I tell him that I am giving up inside and that I don't think I can fight anymore, he still tells me he loves me. And he has been telling me that I need help, and I know that I do because it's not fair to him or my kids to keep up like this.

I turn Forty in a few months. I remember the year I was supposed to turn thirty. I had decided I was going to be thirty and flirty and fabulous! LOL! It was a pretty good year. At forty I am far from dead. I have a lot of things I still want to do and I still want to be. And I want to be happy and have fun and make amazing memories with my husband and my kids. So I need to do this. I need to just push aside feeling shame of not being able to do this on my own. Put aside my pride and let someone else in. Tell my circle about it so they can help me get through things so I don't have to crawl my way out by myself.

I debated wether I should share this publicly or not. I am still worried about what people may say about me, or even to me. How they may judge me. I know that everyone that suffers with Depression and Anxiety deal with things in their own way. I also know that many do not think it is a real thing or that you need 'help'. I think that's why I tried for so long to do it on my own. I also know that maybe my writing this may help someone else.

I lost a friend last year to suicide. I had only talked to him a handful of times since we graduated, but I think our grade was particularly close. And Dustin played hockey with him all growing up. When we had heard what had happened, I was so shocked and so sad. And I was scared. So many people say they don't understand how someone could kill themselves. How could you do that to your friends and family? But, I know. I know how empty and sad you can feel. How you don't know if there is any point in being here on this Earth anymore. How You just don't think you can try anymore. And how you truly believe that your loved ones would be better off without you because you feel so worthless. When I heard about my friend it scared me because I was at that point. And coming up on the one year mark of this sad occasion, I realize I have come a ways, but I am still far from being better.

So I am telling my story. And its scary to do that. It scares me to death. But I hope it will help me. I hope it will help me be a more authentic version of myself, because its out there. I hope that it will make me a little more accountable for working on myself because its out there. And I hope it will help me reach out to people that can help me, but also reach out to people that may need help too. We shouldn't be scared or ashamed for asking for help, or even for feeling a little tired and weak at times. Even if 'at times' lengthens into months and years. So many times we try and go through this life being strong for those around us, we forget how to be strong for ourselves.

My ER Nurse...

It's Emergency Nurses Week. I am married to one. He is amazing in so many ways, and a lot of those ways are because he is an Emergency Nurse. This is my post to him, to his colleagues past and present, and to their families...

My husband is an Emergency Nurse. He has been for 13 years, ever since he graduated from school. Except a small 2 week stint in the Cath Lab, and now the odd shift at the Dental Office, he has always worked in the ER. I have seen many changes in him throughout the years, some good and some sad, but all have shaped him into the Man he is today. And they make me appreciate what he does, day in and day out, for me and my kids and for the people he is helping.

I have watched him come home excited from a days work in Bakersfield because of something new he has learned or that a Doctor let him try. That doesn't happen as often in Canada. It's a different environment. But he still comes home and he seems 'happier' than other days. I put that in quotes because it's not quite the right word. Maybe satisfied would be better. Like things actually worked out  today and made him feel like he made a difference. Those are the days I look forward to, because he is wanting to talk or hear about our days. I think sometimes those are the days that keep him going...

Now he will probably say that this is bull$#!/, that he just goes to work because its a job, and it pays the bills. And partly that is true. But I've seen the good days and the bad days come home. I've seen the hard days take its toll on him, on me and on my family. So I know that there has to be some good days to keep him going...

Those hard days are hard for him. He may not say much about it to me. But I know its happened. He shuts himself away from us for a couple of hours to 'decompress'. And I don't think he even realizes he is doing it, but I know he needs it, and I know it must have been a not so great day when he disappears when he gets home from work. I see it in his face, the tired look in his eyes and how he almost can't even handle me and the kids. But he does, because he loves us.

I've watched him come home and just hold my kids because of a patient they lost. I've watched him run into the house just to pee because he didn't get a break all day. I've watched him give up watching his kids play sports because he has to work. I've watched him plan vacations around sporting events or family functions so he can spend more time with them. I've watched him get up early to help coach one kid, go to work all day, and come home to coach another kid, sometimes just eating for the 5 minutes in between.I've watched him get up 2 hours early so he can have Christmas Morning with his kids, because he's going to have to work all day. I've gotten many a calls or texts saying he has to stay a little longer because he is needed there. I've sat waiting at home, knowing he's late because traumas don't end because your shift does. I've watched him turn a little more jaded through the years because of treating the same drunks and drug seekers over and over and not really helping. I've watched him grow into the amazing father and husband and man he is because he's not scared to sacrifice for us.

But having an ER nurse in your life is also an amazing thing. They are super calm in the weirdest situations. They also know how to really 'let go' of things and just accept life flying at them at a ridiculous pace. These are the two best things I have witnessed in my husband. But mostly for my benefit because I am a basket case with anything crazy. He is my calm, my rock. A few words of comfort and a well timed joke usually help me see through the storm and calm down. That sometimes makes me feel bad, because he has to take care of bizarre things on a regular basis and then he gets to come home to his crazy wife and kids. But he does it. Willingly taking care of my crazy so I can take care of our family. Willingly helping me run the kids all over on his days off when I'm sure he'd rather sleep in. Willingly putting aside the jaded attitude that the world out there has given him, to put on a smile and sarcastic wit to help me see the brighter things in our life.

It is a separate life he lives and keeps from us. He keeps it from us, because to someone who doesn't work in that environment, it's hard to understand. It's trauma. And it's not just trauma to the people that are sick or hurt or dying. It's trauma to the ones trying to get those people through that. It's hard to explain about watching someone die or not being able to help or feeling someone's ribs crack under your hands while you give CPR. It's hard not to bring that into your everyday life, to just let go and forget about those patients and their families that you are helping and comforting and trying to make a difference for. It's hard to not think about those things while trying to take care of your family and be there for them.

This separate life is really hard for me to accept. I feel very outside when I am with him and he is with his 'ER Family'. They have a bond with him that I will never have because of the things that they deal with and go through together just about everyday. But I am grateful for them. I am grateful he has them to support and be there for him, to understand what he has to deal with in a way that I never will be able to. I am glad that they have each other to support one another and try and make the best out of scary and crazy situations.

ER nurses put up with a lot of $#!/, both literally and figuratively. And they do it both for their families and the families that need them. They work hard on holidays and weekends and nights to make sure you have somewhere to go if you are really hurt, or even not so hurt. They learn to support each other through the crisis and then go home to their families and support them through life. They learn to get through the crazy, and go home with a good attitude, because their families need them outside of work. Er Nurses help patients get through hard things, and then go home and help their kids get through Math. They have two lives, and therefor, two families. One family helps them get through work, and the other waits for them to come home from work.

I am grateful for my ER nurse. I am grateful for his ER family that help him get through his job, so that he can come home to us. I am grateful he has that support to get him though his days, so he can come home and support me and our kids. I am grateful for the things he has learned and seen and how they have shaped him into the person he is. I am so proud of my ER Nurse and proud of everything he has done to build the life we have together.