How do you go about loving yourself? When do you feel beautiful? Do you look in the mirror and feel proud of who you are? Do you look at your life and think of how far you've come? How blessed you are? Do you work out to fit into clothes you THINK you should wear? Do you spend hours primping to feel a little sexy when you go out with your Love? How do YOU go about loving yourself?
I'm not asking for a friend. I'm asking for myself because I have a hard time with this. I have a hard time looking at myself and feeling proud. I have a hard time thinking I've had anything to do with how awesome my kids have turned out. Or how I have a pretty great husband. And I have a hard time when the clothes I want to fit into DON'T WORK.
I watched the Marie Kondo special on Netflix, just like the rest of North America and away I flew through my house. No, I am not totally done. But I've had a good start. I also read the book awhile back, so I have tried this before, but I was feeling really amped this time. So I hit my closet.
I did not make a mountain of clothes to go through. I am a chucker, so I rarely hold onto things that I don't think are useful. And my closet and dresser are fairly organized, so instead I went through the categories: shirts, pants, workout clothes etc. And I made little mini mountains of those things and purged and folded into neat little packs and put them away. I have done this a few times before, but this time was quite different than the last few...
This time, I threw away the 'Skinny' clothes...
I got rid of anything that did not fit, or that I was holding onto for when I lost a little more weight and I would feel comfortable in it. It does not 'spark joy' to me to have these things sitting there in my possession, waiting till I lost 'just a little more' to try and fit them over my butt. I wanted to get rid of them because I am tired of hating on myself for NOT fitting into them. I've decided that I can't keep waiting for that 'someday'. I need to live for today, and today I am this size. Today I am in this place in my life where I need to love me for RIGHT NOW, not who I am going to be. And definitely not for a size I might get back to.
This was hard for me, because, in a way, I felt a little like a failure. I have been holding onto some of these things for YEARS, waiting to be worn again when I felt comfortable enough to wear them. Or again, can get my leg through the leg hole. I felt a little like I was giving up. But why? In my heart, I do not believe that your beauty is solely based on your body or how you look. When I look at the amazing women in my life, they all come in different sizes and shapes and colours! And I do not find it very hard at all to see the beauty in each one of them. It literally glows from each of them. But when I look at myself, my mind tells me otherwise. My Dark Place tells me I am lazy and I can never do it and I will never look good until I hit 'this size'. My Dark Place tells me he will never be attracted to me if I look like this. That I will never be good enough until I am just so.
Again, I know this is such a harsh idea. I KNOW in my heart that we are more than the package we come in. I know that many aesthetically pleasing people are really just plain awful when you get to know them. I know that how you treat those around you and how you act and how you talk are better measurements to what makes you a beautiful person. I know that when you are happy and positive and fun that people just WANT to be around you! That light really just glows from inside. That's what I see when I look at the women around me. I see those things. Yes, sometimes I look at their pictures on social media and I think, "Dang, she is looking so good today!" But most of the time, I see those pictures and I remember things we did together. How they made me feel. How we laugh and laugh. The amazing things I've seen them do for their family, or for their community. The women in my life make me want to be a better person.
And this is where I struggle. I DO NOT see this in myself.
Let me rephrase that. On bad days, I do not see this in myself. On those bad days, when my kids are fighting, and my husband has picked up extra shifts and is gone more than usual, and I burnt supper because I forgot I was cooking. Those days, I feel like an exhausted mess. On the bad days where I can't get the motivation to do much more than get the kids to school before I fall back into bed, those days I feel lazy and useless. Those days where I've fought with a child over the merits of schoolwork over the social calendar, or why they can't play video games for 3 straight hours, or why we all need to chip in and help around the house, those days I feel like I've failed as a mother. Those days where we are so busy with life that I get to talk to my husband for 2 minutes before he leaves and for about 30 minutes when he gets home, and all I've done is bug him about things I think we should get done, or we need to do, or things that the kids have done, before we collapse into bed exhausted from the day. Those days I look at myself in the mirror and I see how tired and rough I look and I think, why would he ever want me?
On the good days, I feel pretty good. On the days where I have my crap together and dinner is made on time and we have gotten everywhere we need to without rushing and things are going just so, those days I feel like I really can do this. The days when we have date night and I get a little extra time to doll up, I look at myself and I feel beautiful. The days when we get a chance to do something as a family and be silly and laugh, I feel like my life is complete.
Its just that those times are interspersed with the bad times and I forget to feel beautiful love myself in between.
This is what I've tried. Some days they work, some days not so much. Some days I have to fake it to make it! And hopefully one day, I can totally convince myself that I am worth it.
- Post it notes and affirmations - I've stuck these on my mirrors and walls, trying to remind myself that I'm good enough, that I'm beautiful, that I am a good mom, wife, person. It works pretty good. It's a visual thing, and I am a visual learner. They are also really easy to remove, so bad days they get ripped down and tossed because I'm mad at myself. So I put them up again.
- Journaling. Specifically writing affirmations down in a book. It's a lot harder to throw away. I also write gratitude lists, I write lists about things I like or things that make me happy. Trying to remind myself of the good in my life. This works too, when I remember to do it.
- Trying to take compliments to heart. Not brushing them off. Why is this so hard? I think compliments are such an amazing way to lift someones spirits and yet if someone says something to me, I usually brush it off. I make an excuse. I can rarely take it to heart and believe that it is true. Ask my husband. Most times when he says something nice to me or about me, I tell him he's lying, or making it up. I tell him he's wrong. But when I do answer with just a simple thank you, it makes a complete difference in my mentality of how I think about myself. This is a hard one for me, but I'm getting better.
- I work out. I move. I sweat until the stress and anxiety are basically leaking from my body. I do admit, I work out because I want to look better, fit into those jeans. But I also know, on the days I do not move, I feel worse. When I can get even a quick 20 minutes in, my body feels alive. My mind clears a bit. I feel strong and I have more confidence. I also don't want to punch people that annoy me, so there's that bonus too.
So, how do you do it? Seriously guys. What do you do that makes you feel beautiful? What do you do to remind yourself to love yourself EVERYDAY? When life is crazy and throwing everything at you, what do you do to remind yourself that you are strong and capable and amazing, and that you got this?!?
No comments:
Post a Comment