Mental Health Check in...

The is my Mental health check in. Since May was mental health awareness month, I decided I should write this before the end of the month. AND it was my Fortieth birthday last week, and I had some thoughts on reaching Level Forty in my life.

Its been awhile, and I've been working on me ALOT. It has been tough. And many times, I have thought about quitting. I swear, on the days that I start feeling pretty good about myself again, those demons just jump right back on board and start reminding me of all the things that might go wrong or have gone wrong or that I am all wrong.

I started a Group Therapy session. I was really hesitant about it. I mean, I usually don't like speaking in groups of people, let alone strangers, and this is about things that I haven't even opened up to some of my friends about! Just the thought almost made me sick. But I went. I went because I needed to try something, and I wanted to try therapy before I tried medication. Not that I think that meds are bad, I just feel like I personally needed to work on some of MY STUFF and that would help pull me out of the funk.

The first couple of times I went, I didn't say much, but I was shocked of how it affected me. I would come home completely drained, feeling absolutely emotionally exhausted. I didn't really understand until the Therapist said to us one day how Group therapy can be like working out for twice that same amount of time. That even though you may not personally share, you are still emotionally sharing with these people. And you start to realize some of the things that you are going through. And you realize that you are not alone.

That is one big bonus of this. Someone would say something and I would think "That is exactly how I feel!' or 'I've thought about that, but never knew how to express it!' It was eye opening in so many ways. It has really helped me to feel like this is not so out of the ordinary. That I am not necessarily 'broken' because I am feeling depressed or anxious or whatever. It's just part of who I am. And I am starting to believe that.

That is a hard thing to accept though. Just last week, on my fortieth birthday, I was feeling pretty good. I had gone to Group that day, but I was feeling very positive and sunshiny! It was my birthday after all! I went for a walk with friends. I had me a Diet Coke! And I came home and sat for awhile. And I got thinking, 'I told myself I was going to be better by the time I was Forty.' Somewhere in my mind, I had told myself that by the time I was Forty, everything would be better. Like that change in dates was really going to make a huge difference or something. Well, I wasn't better. And I crashed. Hard. It was my birthday and I was basically a mess. Because I had convinced myself that I was not better and therefor not good enough.

Have you ever done this? Had some weird goal in mind and then if you don't quite get there when you think you should you just throw in the towel and tell yourself that you will never get there? Maybe it's just me. Or maybe my demons are pushing me back down. I'm not sure. But whatever the case, I had an ok day, but not the best birthday by far.

I felt bad for my husband because he tried so hard to pull me out. He brought me my favorite flowers and my favorite ice cream cake. He got the kids to bed. He had planned a dinner the next day with some friends, which was good, because it made me get out of the house the next day, even though I just wanted to curl up in my bed forever. He is my hero for wanting to fix it...

It was not a great day, BUT (and this is how I know I am on the road to 'recovery') I was able to figure out WHY. I was able to step back and look at what was going on in my brain and realize that I had did this to myself. It took me a couple of days, but I did it. I had come up with this crazy concept that I would be 'better' by this time and now I wasn't completely 'better' and so I was mad at myself, and therefor, mad at the world around me.

Over the last week I have thought about this a lot. And I am coming to realize that I don't think I will ever be 'better'. I really believe that I will always have this battle. I will always have to battle anxiety and worry and I will always have to keep myself from falling into that spiral of what ifs and should haves that make me sad. This is a part of me that I will have to come to terms with and figure out how to live with. I will have to figure out the best strategies for me to get through those thoughts. And I will probably have to do it EVERY DAY.

The thought of that makes me sad and a little angry. And I know I am not fully embracing this yet because I still think about 'when I'm better'. But this is how I know that this is truly a part of me. I have always been like this, worried about things I can't change, worried of others opinions, worried about myself and family, weird fantastical stories that I make up in my head of what 'could happen' and never have. This has always been with me. It's just, I've been able to pull myself out. Maybe not in a healthy way, but I have been able to get past it. This time, I couldn't. I couldn't get myself past it. But I am getting there. I can feel it. I feel like the edge of the pit is just above me, like the light at the end of a dark tunnel that I couldn't really see before. Like I am almost there.

Am I better? Yes, I guess in a way I am. But in many ways I'm not. Just yesterday I had a complete melt down over something fairly small, but still felt like my fault. And I blamed myself and my incompetencies over it. Even though I shouldn't have. As my husband pointed out, it really wasn't a huge deal, and we could fix it. But I still felt bad and cried and cried. BUT, the kicker is, I got up. I finished my day and went out and fought through without spiralling into a sobbing mess that hides in her sheets.

That's how I know that I'm getting there...