I had to work for my Mom last week. She didn't get to go on her vacation, but kept her holidays and had a staycation. It broke up the week for me and gave me something to do, but at the same time, it was still weird. Del Bonita Store is not a booming place, but you do see the locals fairly frequently, and even they are staying home and only stopping by quick to pick up mail. No visiting. I cleaned the 'Bum Bench' everyday with my bleach solution, but it' wasn't really needed. No one is sitting there.
The kids' school is trying so hard to make things great for the kids. They are sending assignments and video tutorials online. The due dates are there, but at the same time, not a lot of pressure on the kids. This week we started with trying to do 'School work'. I am struggling with having a scheduled time or just let them free range. We are staying up way later than normal and since we don't have to get up, we sleep in way too long. I'm not sure what would be the best, and at the same time, there is part of me that is struggling to even care.
I think I need to give myself an assignment everyday for the house. I don't feel like cleaning because, really, who is going to see it? And in my normal world, this time of year we are prepping for baseball. A time that is usually so busy that the cleaning gets done quickly in short bursts found throughout the week. Now it feels a little useless to clean the house. I also have kids to entertain, and I am not having to fill in for their jobs because they are home. So it means a little less is needed from myself. It's a strange feeling to not have anything to do.
I started teaching Pound virtually. Oh how I am grateful for technology in these times! I was saying this to my mom the other day. My kids can FaceTime friends, they can 'play' together on Fortnite, they have basically unlimited movies on demand. They have the ability to have virtual school if needed. And I have the ability to teach via computer. It's weird, not near as fun because I don't get that interaction, but it's so good to have SOMETHING! And to move! Never before has movement and exercise felt more like therapy than now.
And how I need things for 'Therapy'. Most of the time, like probably 75% I am ok. I may seem like a fairly social person, but I am an introvert and I need 'alone' time to re connect with myself. I love my real family, my hockey and baseball families and even my girls I work out with all the time, but after a while, my body and brain feels complete exhaustion and I need a moment to just be. So the alone time is hard because it's imposed and I HAVE to, but at the same time probably not as hard as for me as for someone who thrives on social things.
But there is that 25% that I'm really just not ok with. And 15% of that is the fact I have to deal with my kids and keeping them in close quarters and trying to teach them school and life skills and trying not to beat them by the end of the day. In fact, my kids have been pretty good. Now, it's only day 8, so we will just see how it goes, but I have enjoyed the games we have played together and the fact that we have whole evenings of not worrying who needs to get where and what needs to get done before such and such a time.
But that other 10%...
I am scared. I am worried. I feel insecure and uncertain and I DO NOT do well with that.
I like a plan! I have a color coded calendar and a Day to Day for each week. I have alarms in my phone for activities and appointments. I plan around our sports/activities timetables. I always know what is going on and what I need to do and how I need to be ready for it.
There is no plan for this! How can there be? We've never had to deal with this before. And as a person who does not deal well with that, I am struggling. I want to have game time and chill with my kids and at the same time have a schedule of what we do and when. I want to find projects to work on and find new things for us to learn because we have time, but I also just want to enjoy the quiet moments. And I want to know what we are going to do if this affects us, OUR FAMILY.
Because it will. My husband is at work right now, and I am scared that he is going to walk through the door tonight and have to Self-Isolate because he has been in contact with someone infected. I am scared that the sick will start crowding the hospital and things like masks and gloves will run short supply. I am scared that the Staff will be overtired and overworked because some of them are going to get sick. I'm scared he's going to bring it home and one of my kids could get it.
And before you say anything, yes, I know that it is not 'That bad'. But it is still a harsh infection. It can still have effects on all who are infected. And we don't know what that will look like down the road.
So right now, I am working on the 10%. I am taking time for myself. I am reading and creating and exercising. I am praying for peace. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and trying to think of ways to protect my family, both from the virus AND from the emotional roller coaster that this whole thing is.
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