Day 14. Two weeks since we found out we had to start Social Distancing. It is such a weird concept to do and to see happen around you. Some little things I have observed or experienced this week.
- Dropping items off for a friend and having a text conversation through a window is weird. Especially when you know that it would normally turn into an hour long conversation during 'normal' times.
- As much of an introvert that I am, I miss going to my group fitness classes. I miss seeing the people and laughing together while we exercise. I don't work out near as hard at home, and it's not near as much fun!
- Teaching virtual classes is weird. Yelling at a computer screen to 'Get Lower' is weird. That being said, I am VERY grateful for the technology to do so. I'm glad I decided to choose multiple days to teach. It makes me accountable to be there and also makes me exercise. So even when I don't feel like it, I HAVE to show up and teach. And usually after, I am in a much better mood.
- Anxiety is a real kicker during this time. And Anxiety attacks are just so much fun! *insert sarcasm* When I used to teach clogging, I had these episodes, where I would get lightheaded, have chest pain, out of breathe, almost panicky feel of suffocating when there is nothing preventing me from breathing. Never knew what they were, or what caused it. During the last couple of years of dealing with my Depression and Anxiety, I finally figured out that those were Anxiety attacks. I haven't had one in quite a while. The last few weeks have brought them on again fairly frequently.
- Anxiety attacks CAN happen in the middle of the night. Waking up, covered in sweat, feeling like you can't breathe and fighting off the covers because you are pretty sure that must be the issue. Ya...again, not fun.
- Anxiety makes me feel like I am out of control. To balance that, I feel the need to control what I can, usually my environment and that makes me want to have everything CLEAN ALL THE TIME. Guess what? My kids are home...ALL THE TIME! And they are quite helpful with their chores, but also, things do not stay nice during the day. Because we are always in the house, living. I am really trying to let go of that control of the house and my environment. Trying to just make sure that the stuff lying around for a bit more time is NOT a big deal...
- I am having a hard time finding things 'To Do'. In our normal lives, the kids have chores, homework, school, sports, plays, friends...we are busy. And My days are filled with running kids here and there or getting ready for busy evenings by cooking earlier so we have dinner before we leave, covering for kids' chores that they may not have time for etc. Well, we have all the time in the world right now! And to help keep my kids busy, they are in charge of chores more. And I don't have as much to 'cover' for them. And dinner time can be normal because we are home. And this Mom is finding it hard to fill her hours with things to do...there are only so many cupboards to organize!
- I am finding it hard to find motivation. And also finding it hard to not beat myself up because I am lacking motivation. When you have full days of empty hours, what do you do? I mean sometimes it's hard for me to want to DO things because I'm like WHY? Why clean, no one is going to see it. Why get up, I've got no where to go! Take a long nap? Sure! It doesn't matter if I get to bed late because I don't have to get up! And the lack of motivation has really thrown a normal routine right off track! I am struggling keeping some normalcy in our lives right now.
- I am truly grateful for technology right now. For my kids' teachers and schools being able to send out the assignments, having Zoom checkins and video activities. It's so great. They get to have a teacher 'helping' them and they also get to check in once in a while and be connected with their classmates.
- Technology for other reasons. The whole Fortnite thing used to bug me, especially during nice weather. Just another screen distracting my kids! But now, I am glad. They can play with their friends. Laugh and Joke and talk. Same with FaceTime or House party apps. They are still able to connect with their friends, and I am so glad.
- With all of this going on, I am trying to be easy on myself AND my kids. They really have been troopers. I think we've only had a couple of arguments-fights that have led to a little tis-a-cuffs between kids. And for being stuck in a house with a bunch of smart a$$es for a month?!?! That's pretty good in my book. I am trying to keep somewhat of a routine, but also not freak out because we all slept in till 9, or 10, or Noon. I am trying not to worry if the house gets cleaned everyday. I am trying to enjoy the fact that we are together, and safe and that we have TIME to enjoy each other and have fun! Some days that may look different than others because Mom is hiding in her bedroom by 6 pm, BUT...I am still trying to find a Little Bit of Joy in all this weirdness!
Day 24...
Still a lot of the same going on, and if anything, our schedule has fallen off the tracks a bit more this week. But, we are still alive, and we still seem to like each other for the most part so I'm going to call that a win!
I went grocery shopping on Tuesday. I haven't been out of the house, besides working in Del Bonita that first week. I was so nervous and scared because, Anxiety, and all that fun crap in my thinking. But I also knew I needed to GET OUT! Originally Dustin was going to come with me, but they have recently put in place that most grocery stores you can only have 1 person going in. Too many people were going as a family to the store as a social outing. I mean, C'mon People!
So I decided to go alone. And it wasn't too bad, but I will say, besides a few empty parking lots, it looked pretty normal to me, and that kind of ticked me off. Superstore was quite busy, and the signs said 250 max, but I was constantly dodging people in aisles (trying to keep my 6 feet) and that freaked me out which makes it hard for me to concentrate which makes following my list a little harder. I'm used to just getting to go and shop all the aisles to my leisure and now I am trying to stick to my list and get in and out as quickly as I can. Most of Lethbridge seem to think that shopping on Tuesday was a great idea too!
It makes me upset, because I felt like there was no urgency, besides a few people that you could tell. Just a normal day. But it's not normal times! They have put this Social Distancing order in affect to try and prevent the Community spread of this virus and I feel like there are a lot of people that feel 'safe' because we haven't had a lot of cases in our area. It is just a matter of time, and crowded stores are not going to help.
I really hope and pray that this doesn't go on as long as they are predicting. I hope they are wrong. But having a husband in the medical field does not make me fell any better. In fact it makes me feel worse, always worried if he is in contact with infected people and/or bringing it home. AND the fact that he has seen the numbers and read numerous things on it, and he is not overly optimistic. Yes, I know, my husband is very much a 'numbers and facts' kind of guy, and has a very logical brain, so things like Optimism and hope don't usually sprout from his mouth. So I should take that all in stride as well, but I also know, he does A LOT OF RESEARCH...on everything. And he double and triple checks facts usually. So, it is hard for me to keep up the hope and optimism that this will be all done and over in a few weeks...
But I have my kids, and they are healthy. We have the ability to stay home and have food and water and shelter. We have the ability to 'be bored' and not worry about where the money is coming from right now. That's more than others have. So I am very grateful for that.
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