Day 14...and Day 24

( I originally wrote this post on Day 14...it didn't save or post right and I got ticked and ignored it for a week. So this is a double dose of Quarantine Observations!)

Day 14. Two weeks since we found out we had to start Social Distancing. It is such a weird concept to do and to see happen around you. Some little  things I have observed or experienced this week.

• Dropping items off for a friend and having a text conversation through a window is weird. Especially when you know that it would normally turn into an hour long conversation during 'normal' times.
• As much of an introvert that I am, I miss going to my group fitness classes. I miss seeing the people and laughing together while we exercise. I don't work out near as hard at home, and it's not near as much fun!
• Teaching virtual classes is weird. Yelling at a computer screen to 'Get Lower' is weird. That being said, I am VERY grateful for the technology to do so. I'm glad I decided to choose multiple days to teach. It makes me accountable to be there and also makes me exercise. So even when I don't feel like it, I HAVE to show up and teach. And usually after, I am in a much better mood.
• Anxiety is a real kicker during this time. And Anxiety attacks are just so much fun! *insert sarcasm* When I used to teach clogging, I had these episodes, where I would get lightheaded, have chest pain, out of breathe, almost panicky feel of suffocating when there is nothing preventing me from breathing. Never knew what they were, or what caused it. During the last couple of years of dealing with my Depression and Anxiety, I finally figured out that those were Anxiety attacks. I haven't had one in quite a while. The last few weeks have brought them on again fairly frequently. 
• Anxiety attacks CAN happen in the middle of the night. Waking up, covered in sweat, feeling like you can't breathe and fighting off the covers because you are pretty sure that must be the issue. Ya...again, not fun.
• Anxiety makes me feel like I am out of control. To balance that, I feel the need to control what I can, usually my environment and that makes me want to have everything CLEAN ALL THE TIME. Guess what? My kids are home...ALL THE TIME! And they are quite helpful with their chores, but also, things do not stay nice during the day. Because we are always in the house, living. I am really trying to let go of that control of the house and my environment. Trying to just make sure that the stuff lying around for a bit more time is NOT a big deal...
• I am having a hard time finding things 'To Do'. In our normal lives, the kids have chores, homework, school, sports, plays, friends...we are busy. And My days are filled with running kids here and there or getting ready for busy evenings by cooking earlier so we have dinner before we leave, covering for kids' chores that they may not have time for etc. Well, we have all the time in the world right now! And to help keep my kids busy, they are in charge of chores more. And I don't have as much to 'cover' for them. And dinner time can be normal because we are home. And this Mom is finding it hard to fill her hours with things to do...there are only so many cupboards to organize!
• I am finding it hard to find motivation. And also finding it hard to not beat myself up because I am lacking motivation. When you have full days of empty hours, what do you do? I mean sometimes it's hard for me to want to DO things because I'm like WHY? Why clean, no one is going to see it. Why get up, I've got no where to go! Take a long nap? Sure! It doesn't matter if I get to bed late because I don't have to get up! And the lack of motivation has really thrown a normal routine right off track! I am struggling keeping some normalcy in our lives right now. 
• I am truly grateful for technology right now. For my kids' teachers and schools being able to send out the assignments, having Zoom checkins and video activities. It's so great. They get to have a teacher 'helping' them and they also get to check in once in a while and be connected with their classmates.
• Technology for other reasons. The whole Fortnite thing used to bug me, especially during nice weather. Just another screen distracting my kids! But now, I am glad. They can play with their friends. Laugh and Joke and talk. Same with FaceTime or House party apps. They are still able to connect with their friends, and I am so glad.
• With all of this going on, I am trying to be easy on myself AND my kids. They really have been troopers. I think we've only had a couple of arguments-fights that have led to a little tis-a-cuffs between kids. And for being stuck in a house with a bunch of smart a$$es for a month?!?! That's pretty good in my book. I am trying to keep somewhat of a routine, but also not freak out because we all slept in till 9, or 10, or Noon. I am trying not to worry if the house gets cleaned everyday. I am trying to enjoy the fact that we are together, and safe and that we have TIME to enjoy each other and have fun! Some days that may look different than others because Mom is hiding in her bedroom by 6 pm, BUT...I am still trying to find a Little Bit of Joy in all this weirdness!

Day 24...

Still a lot of the same going on, and if anything, our schedule has fallen off the tracks a bit more this week. But, we are still alive, and we still seem to like each other for the most part so I'm going to call that a win!

I went grocery shopping on Tuesday. I haven't been out of the house, besides working in Del Bonita that first week. I was so nervous and scared because, Anxiety, and all that fun crap in my thinking. But I also knew I needed to GET OUT! Originally Dustin was going to come with me, but they have recently put in place that most grocery stores you can only have 1 person going in. Too many people were going as a family to the store as a social outing. I mean, C'mon People!

So I decided to go alone. And it wasn't too bad, but I will say, besides a few empty parking lots, it looked pretty normal to me, and that kind of ticked me off. Superstore was quite busy, and the signs said 250 max, but I was constantly dodging people in aisles (trying to keep my 6 feet) and that freaked me out which makes it hard for me to concentrate which makes following my list a little harder. I'm used to just getting to go and shop all the aisles to my leisure and now I am trying to stick to my list and get in and out as quickly as I can. Most of Lethbridge seem to think that shopping on Tuesday was a great idea too! 

It makes me upset, because I felt like there was no urgency, besides a few people that you could tell. Just a normal day. But it's not normal times! They have put this Social Distancing order in affect to try and prevent the Community spread of this virus and I feel like there are a lot of people that feel 'safe' because we haven't had a lot of cases in our area. It is just a matter of time, and crowded stores are not going to help.

I really hope and pray that this doesn't go on as long as they are predicting. I hope they are wrong. But having a husband in the medical field does not make me fell any better. In fact it makes me feel worse, always worried if he is in contact with infected people and/or bringing it home. AND the fact that he has seen the numbers and read numerous things on it, and he is not overly optimistic. Yes, I know, my husband is very much a 'numbers and facts' kind of guy, and has a very logical brain, so things like Optimism and hope don't usually sprout from his mouth. So I should take that all in stride as well, but I also know, he does A LOT OF RESEARCH...on everything. And he double and triple checks facts usually. So, it is hard for me to keep up the hope and optimism that this will be all done and over in a few weeks...

But I have my kids, and they are healthy. We have the ability to stay home and have food and water and shelter. We have the ability to 'be bored' and not worry about where the money is coming from right now. That's more than others have. So I am very grateful for that.

Day 8: Trying to find a new normal...

Day 8. Has it seriously only been 8 days? Everyday seems like forever. Everyday there is just so much information that I keep looking at, news reports, emails, memes...I need to log off Facebook for a little bit, but I'm scared I'll miss something! I'm scared I'll miss something and I'm scared of everything I am reading, I am grateful for the stupid memes and the humour that helps break up the anxiety.

I had to work for my Mom last week. She didn't get to go on her vacation, but kept her holidays and had a staycation. It broke up the week for me and gave me something to do, but at the same time, it was still weird. Del Bonita Store is not a booming place, but you do see the locals fairly frequently, and even they are staying home and only stopping by quick to pick up mail. No visiting.  I cleaned the 'Bum Bench' everyday with my bleach solution, but it' wasn't really needed. No one is sitting there.

The kids' school is trying so hard to make things great for the kids. They are sending assignments and video tutorials online. The due dates are there, but at the same time, not a lot of pressure on the kids. This week we started with trying to do 'School work'. I am struggling with having a scheduled time or just let them free range. We are staying up way later than normal and since we don't have to get up, we sleep in way too long. I'm not sure what would be the best, and at the same time, there is part of me that is struggling to even care.

I think I need to give myself an assignment everyday for the house. I don't feel like cleaning because, really, who is going to see it? And in my normal world, this time of year we are prepping for baseball. A time that is usually so busy that the cleaning gets done quickly in short bursts found throughout the week. Now it feels a little useless to clean the house. I also have kids to entertain, and I am not having to fill in for their jobs because they are home. So it means a little less is needed from myself. It's a strange feeling to not have anything to do.

I started teaching Pound virtually. Oh how I am grateful for technology in these times! I was saying this to my mom the other day. My kids can FaceTime friends, they can 'play' together on Fortnite, they have basically unlimited movies on demand. They have the ability to have virtual school if needed. And I have the ability to teach via computer. It's weird, not near as fun because I don't get that interaction, but it's so good to have SOMETHING! And to move! Never before has movement and exercise felt more like therapy than now.

And how I need things for 'Therapy'. Most of the time, like probably 75% I am ok. I may seem like a fairly social person, but I am an introvert and I need 'alone' time to re connect with myself. I love my real family, my hockey and baseball families and even my girls I work out with all the time, but after a while, my body and brain feels complete exhaustion and I need a moment to just be. So the alone time is hard because it's imposed and I HAVE to, but at the same time probably not as hard as for me as for someone who thrives on social things. 

But there is that 25% that I'm really just not ok with. And 15% of that is the fact I have to deal with my kids and keeping them in close quarters and trying to teach them school and life skills and trying not to beat them by the end of the day. In fact, my kids have been pretty good. Now, it's only day 8, so we will just see how it goes, but I have enjoyed the games we have played together and the fact that we have whole evenings of not worrying who needs to get where and what needs to get done before such and such a time.

But that other 10%...

I am scared. I am worried. I feel insecure and uncertain and I DO NOT do well with that.

I like a plan! I have a color coded calendar and a Day to Day for each week. I have alarms in my phone for activities and appointments. I plan around our sports/activities timetables. I always know what is going on and what I need to do and how I need to be ready for it.

There is no plan for this! How can there be? We've never had to deal with this before. And as a person who does not deal well with that, I am struggling. I want to have game time and chill with my kids and at the same time have a schedule of what we do and when. I want to find projects to work on and find new things for us to learn because we have time, but I also just want to enjoy the quiet moments. And I want to know what we are going to do if this affects us, OUR FAMILY.

Because it will. My husband is at work right now, and I am scared that he is going to walk through the door tonight and have to Self-Isolate because he has been in contact with someone infected. I am scared that the sick will start crowding the hospital and things like masks and gloves will run short supply. I am scared that the Staff will be overtired and overworked because some of them are going to get sick. I'm scared he's going to bring it home and one of my kids could get it.

And before you say anything, yes, I know that it is not 'That bad'. But it is still a harsh infection. It can still have effects on all who are infected. And we don't know what that will look like down the road. 

So right now, I am working on the 10%. I am taking time for myself. I am reading and creating and exercising. I am praying for peace. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and trying to think of ways to protect my family, both from the virus AND from the emotional roller coaster that this whole thing is.

Day 1 of this unexpected Holiday..

This last few days has been completely unreal. Like a weird dream that the whole world is taking part in. Where everything is just a little bit out there, and you don't quite know what to believe. The emotional rollercoaster has been NUTS!!

Ok, as this is my 'journal' and I want this for future generations, here's a breakdown. It's not chronologically or medically correct, but it will give you an idea of the craziness that is gripping us worldwide, and how fast it is taking over...

At the end of December there was reports of a new virus that had emerged out of China. It was identified as 'new' or Novel and a coronavirus which is in the same family as  SARS and the common cold. It is a respiratory virus that can cause pneumonia in patients. As the days went on, soon they found cases of people outside the country of China. People who had traveled from there. By January 23, China had started to impose restrictions on travel and quarantine measures. They even started to cancel public events. January 31, the confirmed cases in China were up to 9809. There were confirmed cases through many countries in Asia and into Europe.

On February 11, WHO (World Health Organization) named the virus COVID-19. At that time there were 42,638 infected in China, with 1016 deaths. Many more cases were starting to see throughout the world. They did not have an effective treatment for this new virus, and with many of the symptoms being very routine (cough, sneeze, fever) many people did not realize they had been infected. They docked a cruise ship and quarantined the people on board. 

The virus hit Italy and as of February 21, they had 6 cases. Several countries started to close borders. People were starting to recover from the virus, but the spread was still quite rapid. Italy suspended sporting events to try and stop the spread. Less than a week after their first cases, Italy's numbers jumped to 650. More and more cases were seen throughout the world. The number of infections had surpassed 82,000 at that point.

Many airports were screening people. There was many notices telling people to look for symptoms if they had travelled etc. On March 11, WHO declared the outbreak a Pandemic. And on March 12 the global death toll had passed 4600 and the number of total infections exceeded 126,000 cases. 

Canada's first case was reported on January 25. It was a man who had traveled from China to Toronto. A few more emerged, but mostly from people who had traveled to China or were in close contact with people who had been infected. More and more notices went around about good hygiene, hand washing and looking for symptoms. Most people, including myself, kept thinking, "It's just a flu, it's no big deal. People are getting better everyday."

People started panic buying. Toilet paper, of all things, started flying off the shelves. And bottled water. I went grocery shopping on March 5, usual run for monthly groceries. Not too much difference though it was busy. I went in again on Saturday with my Mom, and toilet paper was really low. By the end of that weekend, many stores were completely out and many canned goods etc were really low. They started talking about limiting exposure to large groups of people. Some sporting teams were in talks of not allowing fans into stadiums. As of March 11, there was approximately 100 cases in all of Canada.

March 11, the NBA has one player test positive for the virus. They immediately shut down the game and a couple of hours later, they suspend the season 'until further notice'. 

Earlier that week I had talked to Dustin about it. I asked him if he thought it was as big of deal as the media etc. was making it. He said he didn't know. At first, he said, he didn't think it was. But after seeing some of the data coming out of Italy, he was a little worried. At that point, that country was basically shut down. Their hospitals were completely overrun and the medical staff was having to Triage EVERY patient, not just Covid patients. So basically choosing who they thought had a better chance at survival, and who they had to set aside and hope for the best. He said THAT is what he was worried about. Our ER's in Alberta are extremely abused with people coming in with colds, flu, lots of little things that are not emergent. He was worried that people would start coming in with this new virus, infecting everyone else OR coming in thinking they had it and catching it and taking it back out and these two things causing a backup and some regular emergencies, like car accidents or heart attacks, and it would be really hard to treat everyone. Watching people panic buy toilet paper really would make you think that yes, when it hits here, they will flood the hospitals and clinics.

So basically he was worried about people panicking and causing a bigger problem than the actual virus itself. The virus can be dangerous to some, elderly, immune-compromised, but it seemed to be relatively less dangerous to healthy humans. People freaking out or just ignoring symptoms is what would cause the major problems.

March 12 - we wake up still amazed that the NBA is closing down. We hear of friends in other places that are having certain events etc being cancelled. Mostly in California. Then we see that the NHL will be suspending play, the MLS is as well and the MLB is pushing opening day and stopping Spring Training. We joke about how we thought about going to Arizona to watch baseball. We start talking about how, yes, it's a good thing. There are too many people at those events. That's a good precaution. 

Then I see that Disneyland is closing for the rest of March! Now that is crazy to me. It has only closed 4 times in history. Then we get the news, church services will not be held in buildings. All meetings are suspended. We had heard that they were only going to be broadcasting conference, no spectators, but closing church?!? Then we heard that Basketball zones we're postponed. All events of 250 people were to be suspended in Alberta. There were talks of closing the Universities and Colleges. And then Hockey Canada shut down all sanctioned events, including practices.

That one really hit me. I mean, my boys are done their season, it doesn't really affect them, but they have friends on the Midget and Atom teams that were slated to go to Provincials in a week. Some of the kids, this was their last year! Many of them will never get the chance again...and all of that just done. 

It's the same with basketball or many of the other sporting events across North America. NCAA tournaments were all suspended. There now were no sports to be heard of...it was unreal. It felt so dreamlike. Like someone was going to post on Facebook, 'Just Kidding!!'. It just was too crazy.

At the beginning of the week there was memes floating around about how it was Time change, full moon and Friday the 13th this week...Good luck! Oh and Corona, so wash your hands. And now a big snowstorm Southern Alberta...school was a snow day on Friday...

I said, that I wouldn't be surprised if school is cancelled on Monday. But all through the weekend, nothing. More confirmed cases, more talk of 'Social Distancing' and hand washing and 'Flattening the Curve'. Jokes of TP hoarding and not having any food raged through Facebook. As of March 14 there were 39 cases in Alberta.

It was a quiet weekend. Nothing going on, nothing even planned because my kids were done everything, and then it snowed and got cold, so it was a great start to 'Self Isolation' for us. I was a little out of it. I DO NOT do well when I don't know what is happening. I like to have a plan. I like to be ready. (hence why I didn't worry about TP, because I always have a stockpile) So, since my anxiety is a lot about control, and I couldn't control what was going on, but I could control my environment, I made my kids SUPER clean the house. Bleach is my friend. Though, I will admit, the house really needed it. Hockey season is long and busy and the house gets minimal attention most weekends. So I was determined to feel like I had done my part in our home.

Sunday we had a late brunch, and because there is a Pandemic going on, let's watch the Pandemic series on Netflix...I'm sure that that has helped me oh so much *insert sarcasm here* And then Brody comes in, jumping for joy, that 'There's no school! They cancelled school!' We grabbed our phones and searched and sure enough, the Press conference saying, that there were now 56 cases in Alberta, including some from 'community contact' and now all schools and daycares would be closed.

It was a little like something in my snapped. I think I was really holding on to that hope that this would blow over and things would be normal in the next couple of weeks. But no, school was cancelled, indefinitely. As in, they are pushing kids through their grades and the earliest they will reopen is September. 5 months of Summer...

I have been feeling better today, but yesterday I was freaking out. Like, what am I supposed to do with them? for 5 months!! Everything is closed, activities, rec centers. And as a good citizen, you are trying to keep them home and out of public as much as possible. I'm not sure if I will survive...or maybe I should rephrase that. I'm not sure if my children will survive.

Right now, they think it's awesome. no school, Playstation and tv all day. I'm sure the boredom will hit in the next few days when everything loses its appeal. It's warming up, thankfully, so now I can send them outside to get out of my hair. But I am just feeling so out of sorts. I used to be really good with making my little schedules and following daily routines. When they were little and you basically control everything they do. Now they are big and it's so much more of a fight to get them to do things, that making a daily routine??? BAHAHAHAH! Ya right!

So it's Day 1 of 166 days of summer...and I'm trying to work on my coping skills as of right now. Trying to just breathe and let my kids have a little fun. The last thing they need is Mom having a complete breakdown, or even a partial one. Trying to come up with fun ideas for them to learn Life Skills, like cooking and budgeting and talking on the phone (Coop seriously has troubles with that) Hoping that we can use this time to bond together as a family. That I can teach them a few things about life and perseverance. And that maybe, we slow down a little and enjoy the extra time we have.

My Other Dad...

I was lucky enough to find my second family 23 years ago.They have always welcomed me and treated me like I was blood since I first started dating Dustin. Even our grandparents were excited, since they had been friends in Del Bonita and now they could conspire to join the two families. I may have been shy and awkward at first, but I never doubted their love for me.

I'm going to tell you about my other Dad...

I didn't know Craig when he was younger. I only knew him when I was a shy teenager, dating his son.  I'm sure my time at the rink watching little Greg play, and then into the teen years watching the boys play I had met him, and I knew who he was, but as hard as I can, I cannot remember the first time I actually met him. But I can tell you, he always welcomed me into their home. He never made me feel weird, like an outsider, and he used to always tell me to "Drive Safe," when I was heading back to Del Bonita. Oh, and he always tried to fill me with food. And when I met Gramma Shirley, I knew exactly where that came from!

When we lived in California and I came home the first time by myself with the kids, I knew that I couldn't just stay in Del Bonita. I wanted my kids to know BOTH grandparents just as well. (and it gives everyone a little break from a hurricane toddler and a whiny baby!) And I remember feeling so nervous about staying at Craig and Sherry's BY MYSELF! I don't know why, but I did. But after I got there, I had to laugh at myself, because they treated me and my kids just like they would have if Dustin had been there. They hugged me and loved and spoiled my kids just like my parents did. After that, I never felt nervous about staying there. It was just my other home.

Craig was always so good to help us with ANYTHING! And he couldn't just help. He wanted to make sure that whatever he was doing, whether it was fixing a fuse on a socket, or learning how to shoot a gun properly or tearing up my backyard, he made sure that whatever person was there was learning how to do it too. He didn't care if it took an extra two hours to accomplish the task, he taught them how to do the job right, and made sure they knew how to do the job by themselves next time. He would let the grandkids work the tools, taught them how to do it properly so they wouldn't get hurt, and let them learn for themselves how to make something better.

I love this picture...this is Dustin tearing up the old stumps in the backyard. Craig had brought over his little backhoe and was showing him how to do it, giving him tips, but never taking over. Letting Dustin do it for himself. I call Dustin 'Mini Craig' because so many times he has taken the knowledge that his Dad has given him over the years and made/built/fixed something for our family. 

He loved his kids so much. You could tell by the way he talked about them. He could kind of talk them up without sounding too braggy. You could ask him what anyone of them or their spouse's was doing, and he knew. He was proud of them and all they have done. There are 5 of us imports and he showed us just as much love as his own kids. I remember when I was teaching clogging, and after a recital one time when Leanne was younger, he said something along the lines of "Dancing really isn't my thing, but you guys sure did a good job. Proud of you, kiddo."

And because he knew what the kids were up to, he DEFINITELY knew what the grandkids were up to! I don't want to say he loves the grandkids more, but he loves them in a different way. The way any grandparent loves their grandchildren. You love your kids, but they put you through the ringer!

 Your grandkids you love with more patience and wisdom. You've been through the fight with children and come out on the other side, and now you have more children to love and cuddle and teach, but not as many responsibilities! Lots of love and more to enjoy with the grandkids I think. 

And Craig enjoyed his grandkids to the fullest.

He loved to call the kids all the time. When we first moved to California, it was really hard, and Skype wasn't great yet, so we would try, but mostly we talked on the phone. Near the end of our sojourn, as technology got a little better, Skype was easier, but when he got Face-Time!?! He loved that! Getting to SEE his grandkids and talk to them at the same time!?! I don't know if he calls his grandkids that live farther away on the phone anymore. I think he always Face-timed them. He even called us, on a weekly basis, to check and see if there was anything he could help us with. Even though we were just down the block! He would call and see what the kids were up to, or ask the kids to help him move bales or with something in the yard. Or even offer some company when he knew I had to drive to hockey by myself and the weather was going to be bad...

He loved going to their sporting events, school events whatever. He loved helping them make Cub Cars in the garage. He loved taking them fishing and hunting and showing them how to properly use a gun so they could learn to enjoy the Great Outdoors as much as he did. He loved letting them do things like put gas on the fire before lighting it, that made us parents wince, but he got to do it because that's what grandpa's do. They get to spoil the kids and let them get away with having cookies before dinner, or hauling them up the snow hill during sledding, because "Its a long ways to walk!" Grandpa's are crazy enough to take 5 or 6 kids gopher hunting at the same time, and loved enough that the kids listen and no one gets shot! He was the Grandpa that loved them so much that he was like the other 'Dad' that the kids could go to for advice and love, with less of the Parental judgement. His love was always unconditional...

Craig loved helping others around him, almost as much as he loved helping his family. If he heard of someone needing something done, and he had a tool for it, he would call and lend a hand or lend a tool! He loved sharpening skates for the kids, especially when they came to the door and he got to visit with them in the shop while he did it. He made sure his candy bin was full so the kids could have a little treat after, too! He loved talking to people that walked by the house, or at the rink or ballgames. He had a lot of wisdom about life that he offered to everyone around him. He liked working on Town Council because he loved our little town of Magrath and wanted to make it the best place for everyone. He loved kids of all sizes, and even the 'kids' that grew up, he still loved to visit with them and hear what they were up to. He was a friend and Dad and Grampa to everyone.

Right now, I am not sure what we will do without him. He is such an integral part of our lives, I can't imagine not having him around. I try not to feel the anger that he is gone way too soon. I try not to feel bitter that it's not fair that we had to lose him. I'm trying to embrace the knowledge that life continues after this, that our loved ones are their waiting for us, that we will see him again. 

But it's hard. It's really really hard.

I am trying to think about what Craig has taught Dustin, my kids and myself. About helping those around you, and loving your people unconditionally and being there when they need you. About working hard and learning to fix things and, if you can't fix it yourself, learning how to, so next time you can. Learning to save for a rainy day, but also how to splurge a little on a sno-bob for a job well done. I look at the man I married, and I see so much of his Dad in him, and I also grateful for what Craig has given me and my kids through Dustin. I think about all the things he has taught us and showed us over these years and I know we have learned so much from him,

 and I wonder how we can put all that into our lives, and be more like him.  

Work hard, take extra time, be more loving to everyone around us, like he was.

 To live our lives like he lived his, so we can honour him and what he taught us.

So I look through pictures. 

I like pictures because I like capturing moments of happiness, and then being able to look back on them and remember. And so that is how I deal with things like this. I look through pictures and see the happy moments in our lives that Craig has touched. 

Most pictures of Craig, he has that huge smile on his face. But, I have very few pictures where he is looking at the camera. No, he isn't looking because he is too busy doing something with a kid or grandchild. He is too busy teaching them how to do shoot a gun or fix a faucet or love a horse. He's too busy making sure that skates are ready for game day or that glasses are mended or that calculators have names engraved on them so no one looses them. He's too busy making that child feel loved and respected, teaching them how to be their best selves. He's too busy making sure his town feels like a small village, a family place that people feel safe and loved. 

A place where people want to come back home. Just like he made his own home feel to his family.

 He was too busy loving us, helping us, and making us better people, to look at the camera...

Mental Health Check in...

The is my Mental health check in. Since May was mental health awareness month, I decided I should write this before the end of the month. AND it was my Fortieth birthday last week, and I had some thoughts on reaching Level Forty in my life.

Its been awhile, and I've been working on me ALOT. It has been tough. And many times, I have thought about quitting. I swear, on the days that I start feeling pretty good about myself again, those demons just jump right back on board and start reminding me of all the things that might go wrong or have gone wrong or that I am all wrong.

I started a Group Therapy session. I was really hesitant about it. I mean, I usually don't like speaking in groups of people, let alone strangers, and this is about things that I haven't even opened up to some of my friends about! Just the thought almost made me sick. But I went. I went because I needed to try something, and I wanted to try therapy before I tried medication. Not that I think that meds are bad, I just feel like I personally needed to work on some of MY STUFF and that would help pull me out of the funk.

The first couple of times I went, I didn't say much, but I was shocked of how it affected me. I would come home completely drained, feeling absolutely emotionally exhausted. I didn't really understand until the Therapist said to us one day how Group therapy can be like working out for twice that same amount of time. That even though you may not personally share, you are still emotionally sharing with these people. And you start to realize some of the things that you are going through. And you realize that you are not alone.

That is one big bonus of this. Someone would say something and I would think "That is exactly how I feel!' or 'I've thought about that, but never knew how to express it!' It was eye opening in so many ways. It has really helped me to feel like this is not so out of the ordinary. That I am not necessarily 'broken' because I am feeling depressed or anxious or whatever. It's just part of who I am. And I am starting to believe that.

That is a hard thing to accept though. Just last week, on my fortieth birthday, I was feeling pretty good. I had gone to Group that day, but I was feeling very positive and sunshiny! It was my birthday after all! I went for a walk with friends. I had me a Diet Coke! And I came home and sat for awhile. And I got thinking, 'I told myself I was going to be better by the time I was Forty.' Somewhere in my mind, I had told myself that by the time I was Forty, everything would be better. Like that change in dates was really going to make a huge difference or something. Well, I wasn't better. And I crashed. Hard. It was my birthday and I was basically a mess. Because I had convinced myself that I was not better and therefor not good enough.

Have you ever done this? Had some weird goal in mind and then if you don't quite get there when you think you should you just throw in the towel and tell yourself that you will never get there? Maybe it's just me. Or maybe my demons are pushing me back down. I'm not sure. But whatever the case, I had an ok day, but not the best birthday by far.

I felt bad for my husband because he tried so hard to pull me out. He brought me my favorite flowers and my favorite ice cream cake. He got the kids to bed. He had planned a dinner the next day with some friends, which was good, because it made me get out of the house the next day, even though I just wanted to curl up in my bed forever. He is my hero for wanting to fix it...

It was not a great day, BUT (and this is how I know I am on the road to 'recovery') I was able to figure out WHY. I was able to step back and look at what was going on in my brain and realize that I had did this to myself. It took me a couple of days, but I did it. I had come up with this crazy concept that I would be 'better' by this time and now I wasn't completely 'better' and so I was mad at myself, and therefor, mad at the world around me.

Over the last week I have thought about this a lot. And I am coming to realize that I don't think I will ever be 'better'. I really believe that I will always have this battle. I will always have to battle anxiety and worry and I will always have to keep myself from falling into that spiral of what ifs and should haves that make me sad. This is a part of me that I will have to come to terms with and figure out how to live with. I will have to figure out the best strategies for me to get through those thoughts. And I will probably have to do it EVERY DAY.

The thought of that makes me sad and a little angry. And I know I am not fully embracing this yet because I still think about 'when I'm better'. But this is how I know that this is truly a part of me. I have always been like this, worried about things I can't change, worried of others opinions, worried about myself and family, weird fantastical stories that I make up in my head of what 'could happen' and never have. This has always been with me. It's just, I've been able to pull myself out. Maybe not in a healthy way, but I have been able to get past it. This time, I couldn't. I couldn't get myself past it. But I am getting there. I can feel it. I feel like the edge of the pit is just above me, like the light at the end of a dark tunnel that I couldn't really see before. Like I am almost there.

Am I better? Yes, I guess in a way I am. But in many ways I'm not. Just yesterday I had a complete melt down over something fairly small, but still felt like my fault. And I blamed myself and my incompetencies over it. Even though I shouldn't have. As my husband pointed out, it really wasn't a huge deal, and we could fix it. But I still felt bad and cried and cried. BUT, the kicker is, I got up. I finished my day and went out and fought through without spiralling into a sobbing mess that hides in her sheets.

That's how I know that I'm getting there...